How am I doing?

I've been asked a lot lately, "How are you doing?"
I thought I would take the opportunity to answer now that I've had some time to think about it and about what to say without stirring the cauldron of drama and naming names maliciously.

Being hurt by someone I was once friends with is never easy nor is it ever taken lightly. Being made to question my own partnerships, my own personal image as to whether or not I am sexually attractive, and having my self esteem crushed was even harder to manage. I felt that just as I was able to climb out of that pit I was tripped into another one by a friend who pretended to care - even to the point that on the same day she left me high and dry, she showed concern over my well-being since I had just received news of a family member dying. Looking back on it, it would have been kinder for her to be honest in not giving a damn about me.

Honesty is something to value. Maturity is even better. By maturity, I mean that if a person has a problem or complication they have the gumption to speak to the person they have a problem with and at least give them a heads up that there is indeed a problem. Maturity is not shown by pretending that everything is ok then running away from the situation first chance available.

I've not been entirely sure how to handle the situation as far as the community goes. I made those closest to me, my House, and a few other friends aware of the situation. I knew there would be questions and even backlash.
As we moved in with DeviousKitty (Rika Phryxus) and Smacks Her Ass, and as I focused on work at the local renaissance faire, I tried not to think too much about what had happened or what would be said.

Problems with people in a community, even one as small as ours, can be very difficult to manage.
Not only am I trying not to deal with turmoil from this situation but there are others that my family is trying to navigate around conscientiously.

When knowledge of a woman in the community who has an STI and a friend is now having to get tested because her ex contracted it while cheating on her comes up...it's hard to figure out how to handle that with the delicacy necessary. In the end, I can only make those in my House aware to ensure their health and safety and hope that the community practices the safety and health practices we preach so often online.

It is the same when a known rapist, who sadly, due to how our court system is managed, only received a misdemeanor, is part of the community. As a survivor of an unconvicted rapist, it makes me angry...nauseated that there is one in this community as well as the one I came from. Yet again, however, the most I can do is warn those closest then hope that the community will take care of themselves and each other.

Sadly, it doesn't seem that every community has the desire to care and take care. Many communities are ripped apart over rumors, petty differences, libel, break-ups in relationships, and in some cases out-right lies and disrespect. I've seen it so many times. It is very saddening to me. The Kink and BDSM community world-wide is so small...not to mention smaller factions such as age play and leather. To have them divided when they should stand together in solidarity is, again, sad.

Sir and I and House Phryxus are having fun running a few small events and coffees sporadically. We were asked, before we started, is there anyone we don't want at our events. We said, we don't want anyone that isn't safe (thus the vetting process of making sure that attendees are not convicted rapists or known for harming another person without consent). Outside of the safety precaution, and any age limitations that might be made due to the type of event (TNG groups are 18-39) then everyone is welcome.
I remarked, "Just because I don't like someone personally doesn't mean they cannot attend and hang out with friends. They can go to the events, I just won't be inviting them to my birthday party."

In the end though, to answer your question of How I'm Doing...
I'm ok. I have a husband who is doing his best to take care of me. I have a girlfriend who's chivalry and gallantry over the last 9 or so days would make any girl feel spoiled and happy. I have an amazing lil sis and her Daddy who are the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a support network of those closest to me in the community that I love dearly.
To all the members of House Phryxus
To the Fox Den
To Althena, ShibariPyro, RedWarrior
To Glacier's Edge Pack
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart

Lady Phryxus

I was Roofied

Sorry, no witty title today. Plain and Simple, I was roofied.

Last night I went to the Silver Fox Inn with my husband and girlfriend to celebrate the number of nice things that have happened to us this month including my girlfriend passing her Roller Derby assessments from Fresh Meat into Rookie and Sir's getting a job that will pay for him to go to school for certification.
I don't remember much but from what I was told we were having a great time, and I had made the statement that I was having a lot of fun because we hadn't been out on a date in so long.

I hadn't been drinking. I did order a Guiness but after a couple of sips I decided on a ginger ale instead with my burger. I didn't think about my ginger ale being behind me while I watched Sir and Pup play pool. It wasn't an alcoholic drink so I figured naively that no one would bother it.
I was wrong.

I started to feel queasy and a little dizzy. At first I wondered if I had somehow eaten something I was allergic to. Then my tongue began to go numb and I felt out-of-it and tired.
It was the blunt honesty that I have with Sir that saved me. I told him how I felt and he recognized the signs immediately from the days he was a bouncer and an EMT.

The rest of this telling is what was relayed to me as I do not remember.
Once in the car Damon checked my eyes and the dilation was off. He then instructed Pup to keep me awake while he ran to the store and then took us home. He carried me up the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment, changed my clothes, and kept to the arduous task of keeping me awake for the next few hours to ensure that I wouldn't fall asleep and either 1. choke on my own vomit or 2. not be able to wake up...

What I do remember after that is waking up on the couch to Sir and Pup watching over me and telling them how tired I was. I honestly thought I had suffered some sort of allergic reaction to food or food poisoning and taken a benadryl and just didn't remember passing out on the couch. I asked Pup how work went and later learned that me asking and continuing a conversation we'd had 6 hours prior scared her badly.

I told Sir how tired I was and after he made me drink some water, he took me to bed. It wasn't until he woke me up because he was holding me so tight it was uncomfortable that I knew something was very wrong.
Finally he told me I had been roofied and I slowly pieced my night back together.
Sir blamed himself. He said as my husband and Dom he should have been more aware of my safety.
I blamed myself, I should have been smart enough to watch my drink.
My dear friend Leeanne pointed out the falacy in these beliefs. Its the fault of asshole who drugged me. I shouldn't HAVE to watch my drink. I shouldn't HAVE to be worried about being drugged.

I thought as a married woman, with people she was openly and obviously in a relationship with, and not drinking alcohol, I was safe. I wasn't
Sir explained that he had seen it happen many times that some people put drugs in other people's drinks because they think its funny to watch them afterward - not necessarily to date rape them.

I share this story because its scary to know someone is out there doing this to another woman...or man.

The following is an article for teens, but it pertains to all people. I wasn't date-raped but I do sympathize with one of the girls interviewed, Jada, who was drinking water and thought because it wasn't an alcoholic beverage there was no need to watch it.
What it Feels Like to be Drugged

My plea to all people going out - be careful. Watch your drinks, watch your friends - be clear of the warning signs of someone who has been drugged. That's what kept me from getting hurt is the care and awareness of my loved ones.

P.s. Roofie jokes are no longer funny

High Protocol

Hey readers. I had a discussion a little while ago with a Dominant on the use and misuse of High Protocol in the scene (both online and off) and wanted to share my thoughts on the subject.

First, there are a few definitions of High Protocol I want to address before I explain my stance.

High protocol is a formalized way of doing things in a D/s or M/s relationship that can dictate everything from how a submissive sits, stands or walks to what he/she says to whom and how they act in public or private. Some view High Protocol as a very strict standard of BDSM relationships (not to say that this is a bad thing at all). There are other, probably better, definitions available on the fabulous interwebs and I encourage you to look into them for more detail.

Within Reality gives a great example of protocol in her article here

and of High Protocol, she says, 

“In high, using the bath example, I would present my Master a towel by kneeling before him, head bowed, eyes lowered and demurely offer to dry him off. This level is serious and formal. My Master has taken the words/thoughts from the Estate - 'Complete obedience, without delay, or hesitation is required. All nonessential movement, speech, and thought are unacceptable. There has to be the awareness that every move, answer and behavior is being carefully examined and judged.'

Some other examples of the different levels of protocol are I am allowed to sit on furniture during low. In medium I have to ask permission. In high I am not allowed on furniture.

In low - I must say yes Sir or even my Master's given name in some cases. It is yes Master always - unless with people who are not aware of our lifestyle, in medium. And in high protocol it is ALWAYS yes Master.”

I do have some experience with High Protocol with a past, online Dominant. This has colored my judgment on it a little but I feel I’m now better able to look at other High Protocol relationships more clearly now that time has passed.

With my Past Dom, who I will call TEM for now, practiced a formalized standard of BDSM offline with other submissives and slaves and saw no issue with training and treating me in the same manner online and over the phone. This might not have been a problem if we’d had a deeper relationship beforehand, as another Dominant recently pointed out, but, because we did not, I developed some issues in the relationship in being able to adhere to his standards.

TEM did teach me a lot of things however, such as basic definitions and structures of BDSM, he began my training in orgasm control, and taught me that no one wanted a door mat for a submissive and that being a strong woman was very important in general.

That all being said…

Some Pros and Cons (or better said the use and misuse) of High Protocol

I wanted to address an issue that a lot of people I’ve spoken to have had with High Protocol – Dominants who insist on being addressed as Sir/Ma’am or Master/Mistress either by other Dominants or by subs/slaves that are not their own.

This is a MISUSE of High Protocol. Just like anything else in the scene, even Titles must be at the consent of those giving the Title to a Dominant. I personally have an issue giving the title Sir/Ma’am to anyone who has not yet earned my respect as a Dominant. At first I thought it was just the Switch in me but then I realized, no, it’s a respect issue. Just because someone says they’re a Dominant of the highest caliber doesn’t mean they are and I might just want a little proof of that statement.

Also, calling another Dominant Master or Mistress is an outright No. I only have one Master, and that is Sir Phryxus, and I have one Mistress and that is Mistress Fenreya. Period. No one else has earned my trust to earn these titles and, besides, Daddy would be awfully pissed off is he ever heard me refer to another Dom as Master.

In the same way, I get a little miffed when someone, not my Daddy’s sub, calls him Master. They haven’t earned the right to call him that just as he hasn’t earned their trust to call him that either. It’s like a little calling every male they see in the scene Daddy or crawling in their lap (I’ve had issues with this before and it wasn’t pretty).

Oh, if you do see me refer to someone who is not my Master or Mistress as Master so-and-so or Mistress whatever, it is usually due to the fact that it’s a screen name online. Sorry if that’s confusing.

-climbs off my soapbox for a minute-

One of the great things about the proper use of High Protocol is the lifestyle it creates for the participating D/s couple. I was told of a couple that the Master literally has a manual for every task he demands of his slave from how to lay out his clothes in the morning to proper coffee service.

Being able to perform these tasks in a way laid out by my Dom would be very enriching and even empowering. It not only lets the sub please their Dom but also allows them to stay within their boundaries that are clearly laid out – no guess work involved.

Another form of High Protocol is ritualizing some tasks. Tea service can be quite beautiful and some Masters like for their slaves to learn formal tea service as a way to improve themselves not only in knowledge but manners and grace.

One could even say a collaring ceremony is a ritual of High Protocol in that it can be formalized and the Master can hold a high standard for the slave in actions, vows and contract.

Ahem –back on soapbox-

Another misuse of High Protocol is when Dominants or even other submissives expect slaves/subs to automatically know how to act in a High Protocol situation.

I’ve yet to see this in life but I see it online a lot. Going into a room that demonstrates High Protocol actions and expecting a new person just entering to know these things is a little immature. I’ve been chewed out and seen others reprimanded harshly for simply being ignorant of the rules of conduct in that room towards other Dominants or even other subs.

An issue that isn’t necessarily High Protocol but just an issue I see a lot in the scene is Dominants who feel they are King/Queen of the hill and that all subs are lowly and should automatically show respect.

This also falls into consent.

I’ve been overlooked, told that my opinion doesn’t matter, even booted form chatroom or ignored in real play parties because I have a collar or identified as a submissive at the time.

I’ve spoken about this before…and probably will again because it’s a big issue with me.

Just because we are subs doesn’t mean we are nothing. I don’t give anyone permission, not even my own Daddy, to treat me like I am worthless because I identify as someone who is submissive to 1 or 2 people.

I’m still a person and so is every other submissive on the planet and as a person I still require at least a small form of respect.

Just as not all Dominants are wonderful, Kingly, majestic, always right, and perfect. Sometimes they too are in the wrong and both the Dominant and the Submissive should be heard in any issue in the community.

-sits on my soapbox thinking-

I’m sure there are other issues to address here but I can’t think of any right now.

I do want to direct you, my dear reader, to read a greatarticle about Gor lifestyle. I used to be prejudice against Goreans because of the few I’d met online were a little…well…mean. I really enjoyed and learned a lot from this article though and am more than willing to give Gor a second chance. You should too if you’ve had the same prejudices or experiences as I have had.

Much love,

Lady Phryxus

The Past Haunts

I woke up to an anxiety attack this morning
So I might nit be my usual chipper self.
Just something else to add to the ever growing pile of bad stuff happening to me these 2 weeks.

I had a nightmare about my ex, the one that abused me, and woke up scared. I always feel that dreams mean something but...this is different. At first it was just a weird dream, he was opening up for my friend Revrin's band, Nightfalls, with his own band. Then it got weirder, I could see through his eyes and he was looking at old kinky pictures of me.

I woke up with Sir's alarm before it could get worse thankfully but confused. Why would I dream of him when I haven't even thought of him in a very long time...
Then I found out.

He e-mailed me last night.
2 e-mails.
1 threatening my little brother, Synn
2 talking about how he is in bad shape due to his diabetes.

I started to hyperventilate. So I called Sir Phryxus and he talked me down. He almost came home but I told him to go on to work.
I called Synn but no answer...it's still pretty early so I'm sure its just he hasn't woken up yet.
I'm almost betting the issue is my ex joined the kinkster group that Synn is part of and my loving brother has warned quite a few people of my ex's abusive nature.

The second part is his fucked up sociopathic passive aggressive attempt to make me feel bad for him. One of the ways he kept me with him for so long was talking about his health, how he was dying, etc. Its all from diabetes, well, I believe there is a cure for diabetes and a lot of his issues is he really doesn't give a shit about himself enough to be healthy.

Sigh

So this is not a good way to be starting my day.
I now feel like crap but am afraid to go back to sleep and continue the dream I had.
I just want that bastard out of my life but he keeps finding ways to try and worm his way back in.

Benefits Show without the benefits...

Last night Sir phryxus and I went to a benefits show a Fuzzy Holes that was being held for the family of Siryn who died recently. The bands that played included Nightfalls and The Mad Divine.
I'll say right now that though I;m a large fan of the idea of benefits shows, communities coming together to help the family who has lost someone, that's great, I am not a fan of going to them nor am I a fan of the music played.

I went last night because Sir told me I had to...and I came up with a t-shirt idea because of it...
You know those shirt that say "I'd Rather Be Golfing" or the nerdy ones that say "I'd Rather Be Raiding"? well after the morning I had practicing my Domme side online I came up with "I'd Rather Be Pissing Down My Sub's Throat"...I sent it to Synn, he agrees I should have that shirt lol.

I got a lap dance (actually I got 2 because it was 2 for 1 and Sir was working the lights) from dancer Midnight who is adorable. She ended off by kissing my cheek and leaving a big red lipstick mark on it lol.
This would have made my night and let me go home with at least a sense that I had a good time...but...

2 women who were there with their husbands/boyfriends were there, presumably because it was a benefits show for someone they knew or something...one of the older men had been watching me get a lap dance and even the dancer, Midnight, was squicked out by him. He goes and sits with his presumably wife, and suddenly the three women at the table are doing something I have sadly seen often...
Women who go to strip clubs fall into 2 categories, in my opinion.
1 are women who are there to just enjoy it. Even if they aren't lesbian or bi they're still having fun just hanging out and maybe teasing their boyfriend or whatever, its no big deal because they know the dancers are just working.
2 are women who come to the strip club for whatever reason, and spend the whole time thinking they are better than every girl they see because they are not willing to take their clothes off in public. When they see a guy get a dance, they see it as cheating or a weakness and when they see a girl get a dance it pisses them off.

These three women that pissed me off....fall into the second category. They talked about me for the entirety of the Nightfalls segment, me and another girl who got a lap dance. I distinctly heard the word skank, and some other dirty looks and words were passed.
It pissed me off...so by the time Nightfalls was over and Sir was done working, I was ready to go. He wanted to have another beer and relax so I went and got a soda to cool off...and got hit on at the bar...which pissed Sir off, not because I'm not allowed to receive compliments but because the guy assumed that I was a dancer. Sigh you can kind of see a trend here.

So we left but didn't want to go home...so Sir called this girl we've been talking to for a while and asked if she wanted to hang out. We agreed, nothing big, just grab some coffee. I hadn't hung out with her in a while and have an uber crush on her...she's gorgeous! I spend a 45 minute car ride thinking about how I didn't dress up, I'm in a long sleeve t-shirt and jeans, a hat and no make up. At least I showered and shaved and ironically wearing some of my sexiest underwear...
We get to her town and need directions from the exit to her house...we called like 20 times over the next 45 minutes...nothing. I left 2 messages and a couple text messages...nothing...we got stood up...

Went home, feeling depressed, had sex, and Sir, I think partially to cheer me up, joined IMVU. So I showed him around and then passed out after giving out rain checks to the mistresses who approached me on there.
My IMVU account: MimiPhryxus
Daddy's IMVU account: SirPhryxus

So yea...I'd say it was a Benefits Show without the benefits...sigh.
And Now I have to get this stupid black mark on my hand that I got even though I didn't even drink last night...sigh...

Submissive Rant Update

For those of you who would like to know the outcome of the rant I had yesterday...

After I wrote my rant and got my anger posted...I wrote a calmer e-mail to Mistress Allysa, the Mistress DecievingSmiles said I was cheating with, and explained what happened and that I was offended by the treatment of her house.
She wrote me back, glad that I had explained, that she understood well what happened and understood my side in it. She then invited me to play with her ^_^
I was very happy that she believed me but then I explained that I don't intend to be owned on IMVU just a plaything or pet, that the only person who really owns me is Sir Phryxus irl and I intended to play with multiple mistresses. She understood and now I am playing with her too ^_^ -stick tongue out at Allysa's meanie house people-

Allysa is a wonderful Domme who plays a futa online and is a participant in her offline BDSM community. She runs several markets on IMVU and is very good at it as far as I've seen, looking after slaves until a Master or Mistress comes to claim them.


Oh and thank you ChiChi for commenting on the rant, I most certainly never assumed that all or even many Domme's were like that, especially not you ^_~

Submissive Rant

Sorry guys, I gotta rant...

I'm on IMVU (sn: MimiPhryxus) and I was playing around in some furry rooms looking for online Mistress to play with for a time. I had not realized how serious some people take this sadly -_-

I was taken in by a Mistress last night, DecievingSmile, on the basis that this was nothing serious, I wasn't "owned" by her or whatever, we were just trying things out. Anyways, she gave me permission in e-mail that I could play with other Mistresses since she planned to share me anyways, which I'm cool with online only.
I go to another room this morning and was taken in my Mistress Alyssa. Suddenly DS comes in and accuses me of leaving her and cheating or whatever you'd like to call it.
I explain that, no I had permission per our e-mails. She says I was lying and I got kicked out and she received an apology from the room!!!

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous.
I am not a liar. I would have said, sorry but I have a mistress if I had thought the situation serious.
Besides, to go and acuse someone and take another's side just because I'm a pet and she's a mistress is also stupid. I thought slaves were protected...maybe that's just IRL. -_- I'm not sure how much longer i'm going to stay on IMVU.

If anyone would like to friend me on there, feel free to do so...please don't mind the rant this is just fresh in my head and I'm pissed at being called a Liar.


On an added note, who the hell takes on a sub in 2 seconds of meeting them anyways? What sub would trust an online mistress enough to be "owned" after 1 conversation? How dumb is that?

Stranger Danger

So I belong to a few groups on FetLife that deal with AgePlay and I love it. The people I've met and spoken with have, for the most part, been wonderful.
However I have just had my first encounter with the dark side of fetish online - stranger danger. A woman contacted me on FetLife, wanting to talk about sexual AgePlay, which I am fine with. But...the more she talked about it the more she gave voice to the fact that she was open to and may have had sexual ageplay with a minor on more than 1 occasion and she may be related to them biologically.

I first wasn't sure that I was reading the posts right. I thought, there could be a chance she's talking about their Innerkid ages...then I realized she was talking about real minors and I immediately looked for a way to inform the FetLife admins.
I don't know what they have done with this information as of yet but the woman has yet to attempt to contact me again.

My advice to anyone else, if this happens to you
1) don't get discouraced about the community at large. AgePlay IS NOT ABOUT PEDOPHILIA! We do not condone sex with minors.
2) Report it to keep the community safe.

Thanks
LadyPhryxus

Lolita and Fetishes

Ok, so I'm gonna rant a little...warning for those that live rant free...

I Am a little tired of people going on and on about how Lolita is not and kink or a fetish or sexual at all and shouldn't be lumped in with other fetishes and how they don't go together and blah blah blah!

Yes, Lolita Fashion was not started as a fetish nor was it meant for that originally.

HOWEVER, If someone has a fetish for Lolita fashion that is OK Damnit! I don't see how its any different than Sissy Fetish or Bathing suit fetish or shoe fetish etc etc.
I have a Lolita Fashion fetish.
I combine this with my AgePlay and Furry fetishes.
I don't see how that hurts anyone. I don't see it hurting the Lolita community. The only time I post about Lolita Fashion Fetish is on here or on the Kinky Lolita group on FetLife.

How is this a problem?

Gothic Lolita Rant

So I read this article on Morbid Outlook and wasn't impressed. Sure the facts about Visual Kei and some examples of EGL fashion were nifty but the auther couldn't make up their mind why Japanese youth dressed this way at all. Plus, lumping all Western youth into the category of immodestly dressed J-Lo fans was a little annoying...

I love the fight between articles of many authors and websites on whether or not EGL is sexual in any way. I think that depends on the person. I find EGL very aesthetically sexual but I'm also a Little that does Adult Age Play so...that might explain that.

The Wiki How-to article for EGL was pretty useless in my opinion with no real link on where to start, what clothes they recommend starting out purchasing, what bands to look into, etc. The most helpful comment was do your research and you don't have to change your whole wardrobe and personality to be EGL...

Another issue I have with some articles is they make the fashion out to be for teens only. Excuse me, but I am not a teenager, have not been for...er...4years now. I do look young for my age (its a miracle if I don't get carded at the bar) and the look works well with a young face but it doesn't mean that 20-30 yo can't wear this look.

I also hate that all the articles I browse just vomit the same information over and over again. Maybe this isn't the case with the articles and blogs in Japanese and the English ones are just taking forever to catch up.

So there's my rant. I try not to do too many of these...don't wanna ruin my sweet and innocent image lol

Submissive with a capitol S

So I'm a Submissive and have been so for a number of years now.

Sadly this fact seems to make other Doms believe that not only am I public property but that I am also going to do as they say immediately, without comment or complaint, and that I should just enjoy the attention -queue annoying buzzer sound- Wrong! Being a Submissive is not like that at all!

Submissives, in my opinion, are an integral part of the D/s relationship and should be treated as such. They are the Dominant's partner in a scene. I also feel that the Submissive is actually the one in control. They have the right to use safe words, to say what they are comfortable with and not comfortable with, and the right to decide if a Dom is right, or wrong, for them.

Submissives have the right to feel safe, to feel loved and to be taken care of. Despite the stigma, they are people too! If a Dom attempts to control a Submissive without their consent, this is just as bad as a vanilla person trying to force another vanilla person into their bed.

So, in short, Do Not Dom a Sub without their Permission!