How am I doing?

I've been asked a lot lately, "How are you doing?"
I thought I would take the opportunity to answer now that I've had some time to think about it and about what to say without stirring the cauldron of drama and naming names maliciously.

Being hurt by someone I was once friends with is never easy nor is it ever taken lightly. Being made to question my own partnerships, my own personal image as to whether or not I am sexually attractive, and having my self esteem crushed was even harder to manage. I felt that just as I was able to climb out of that pit I was tripped into another one by a friend who pretended to care - even to the point that on the same day she left me high and dry, she showed concern over my well-being since I had just received news of a family member dying. Looking back on it, it would have been kinder for her to be honest in not giving a damn about me.

Honesty is something to value. Maturity is even better. By maturity, I mean that if a person has a problem or complication they have the gumption to speak to the person they have a problem with and at least give them a heads up that there is indeed a problem. Maturity is not shown by pretending that everything is ok then running away from the situation first chance available.

I've not been entirely sure how to handle the situation as far as the community goes. I made those closest to me, my House, and a few other friends aware of the situation. I knew there would be questions and even backlash.
As we moved in with DeviousKitty (Rika Phryxus) and Smacks Her Ass, and as I focused on work at the local renaissance faire, I tried not to think too much about what had happened or what would be said.

Problems with people in a community, even one as small as ours, can be very difficult to manage.
Not only am I trying not to deal with turmoil from this situation but there are others that my family is trying to navigate around conscientiously.

When knowledge of a woman in the community who has an STI and a friend is now having to get tested because her ex contracted it while cheating on her comes up...it's hard to figure out how to handle that with the delicacy necessary. In the end, I can only make those in my House aware to ensure their health and safety and hope that the community practices the safety and health practices we preach so often online.

It is the same when a known rapist, who sadly, due to how our court system is managed, only received a misdemeanor, is part of the community. As a survivor of an unconvicted rapist, it makes me angry...nauseated that there is one in this community as well as the one I came from. Yet again, however, the most I can do is warn those closest then hope that the community will take care of themselves and each other.

Sadly, it doesn't seem that every community has the desire to care and take care. Many communities are ripped apart over rumors, petty differences, libel, break-ups in relationships, and in some cases out-right lies and disrespect. I've seen it so many times. It is very saddening to me. The Kink and BDSM community world-wide is so small...not to mention smaller factions such as age play and leather. To have them divided when they should stand together in solidarity is, again, sad.

Sir and I and House Phryxus are having fun running a few small events and coffees sporadically. We were asked, before we started, is there anyone we don't want at our events. We said, we don't want anyone that isn't safe (thus the vetting process of making sure that attendees are not convicted rapists or known for harming another person without consent). Outside of the safety precaution, and any age limitations that might be made due to the type of event (TNG groups are 18-39) then everyone is welcome.
I remarked, "Just because I don't like someone personally doesn't mean they cannot attend and hang out with friends. They can go to the events, I just won't be inviting them to my birthday party."

In the end though, to answer your question of How I'm Doing...
I'm ok. I have a husband who is doing his best to take care of me. I have a girlfriend who's chivalry and gallantry over the last 9 or so days would make any girl feel spoiled and happy. I have an amazing lil sis and her Daddy who are the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a support network of those closest to me in the community that I love dearly.
To all the members of House Phryxus
To the Fox Den
To Althena, ShibariPyro, RedWarrior
To Glacier's Edge Pack
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart

Lady Phryxus

Submissive Journal Prompt: Obstacles and Challenges

The Submissive Guide Journal Prompt:
How do you handle obstacles or challenges? Do you find it is the most effective way to handle them in this way?

I thought this journal prompt was appropriate given the not-so-fabulous insanity going on in my life and in my community lately.
Rather than go into the drama, I will skip to how I'm dealing with it.

Advice From Amazing People

My friends, house members, mentors and people in the community I look up to have given me some great advice over the months and years I've known them.

Take a Bath - my little sister, Devious Kitty takes a lot of baths. She has admitted to spending 8 hours in the bath one day. Every time something stresses her out, she is in that bath water, playing with her rubber duck and processing. I decided to give this a try and a lot of thinking is done about my life, House Phryxus, my job, events and more in that small apartment bathtub.

Think before you hit the send button - this is a piece of advice given to International Ms. Leather 2013 Sarha Shaubach and she has been kind enough to spread the word. This piece advice and others like it have kept many a bad and harmfully-worded e-mail from being sent. The sister advice of think before you post is also a good one fore all bloggers...like me.

When offended by another person in the community, play devil's advocate (or find someone else who will). Did they do that maliciously or did they simply not know better because they were new, drinking, or unaware of the situation? I have a few friends who happily play my devil's advocate, and I do it a lot with my House Members when we're discussing a situation wherein someone outside the house has offended someone. Sometimes the situation can be remedied with a kind and informative conversation with the offending person. Sometimes people simply have to agree to disagree and step away from each other. However, the best route is to be factual, level headed, and upfront with integrity.

Things to Remember

Integrity - this is a word I've been reading and hearing a lot lately.
Webster defines integrity as:

 firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility
: an unimpaired condition : soundness
: the quality or state of being complete or undivided

Sarha gave me a great definition to integrity not long ago that I think everyone can understand and adhere to:

Integrity is making a decision of how you feel and how you will react to something and reacting the same way each time no matter what AND manning up to admit that you're reaction and feelings on it have changed when they do and why (or admitting when you were wrong the first time).
This means that when I say that I don't like people who cheat on their spouses, I can't say its ok for Billy-Joe because he's my best bud but still hold that it's not ok for Joe-Bob because I don't like him. If I do change my mind about cheating then I have to admit that I have changed my views and not lie that I've always believed this new way.