Friday, December 9, 2011

Oooo Serious Littles Discussion

Ok so I'ma be serious today which is rare. I tend to either be super fun have a picture or sort of ranty so here's a new side to me that you all get to see.

I've been listening to the Big Little Podcast and I love that there is a show like this that I can listen to real people talk about being Little and I find such similarities to what they are talking about and my life. So...I wanted to share a few things I have associated myself with to the Littles community.

First, there is a Big ME and a Little ME. Let's call the Big ME LadyPhryxus (she's actually my real name which I will not divulge here) and my Little ME Mimi. Long before I knew what ageplay was or that other people were like this, I had a LadyPhryxus and a Mimi in my head. Mimi would come out when I was having fun being child-like or whatever and LadyPhryxus would appear when I had to take care of things maturely OR when she had to take care of Mimi. This last part is key. If my feelings were hurt or I was scared or whatever, Lady Phryxus would comfort Mimi. I always wondered...is this a sign of split-personality disorder then I would say know because I know who my personalities are...then I would think I was crazy just for thinking that sentence lol.

Turns out I'm not the only one who does this and sees their Big ME as different not only in mentality but in appearance than their Little ME. Lady Phryxus, to me, is dominant and tall and womanly and, in some cases, unfeeling and blunt. I don't like being her all the time and she came out hugely when I was in my last years of high school. I had shut myself off from people around me because I had been hurt my my mother, by my boyfriend, by people who I had thought were my friends, and so on. So, Lady Phryxus came out to handle everything and had, in a way, shut off my emotions and closed Mimi and my hurt feelings up in a little box where they couldn't show themselves.

Then I went to college and the stress and hurt and all of that made Mimi so upset and Lady Phryxus so tired that everything flooded forth into what amounted to continual anxiety attacks and a total break down.
I eventually had to take time off from the world and Sir Phryxus helped me with this. He was my de facto therapist who helped me become strong enough to finally say No to people I needed to say no to, to overcome my fear of saying no and fear of sex and fear of being ME.

Now, I want to say that Lady Phryxus and Mimi are balanced but I gotta admit that Mimi sort of runs the show in my head and Lady Phryxus comes out when I have to got to job interviews and talk on the phone with bill collectors and tell people off at the store when they're not doing their job and they're making my day harder.

So, maybe I am crazy, but I have learned from the Big Little Podcast and Littles communities online, that this is somewhat normal for AgePlayers. We have a Big adult side who has to take care of the responsibilities that show up in life and we have our Little Innerkid that sometimes our Big side has to take care of.

Sometimes, I still have breakdowns. I'm still learning how to transition from Mimi to Lady Phryxus without being kicked out of LittleSpace. And sometimes I regress at the wrong time when I really need to suck it up and handle the problem at hand. I think this is just taking time and is a learning experience.

I'm also still learning to accept that I'm not a total freak, that there are others like myself. That's what this blog is really about. Accepting myself and showing it to the world in a safe way.

Thank you for being part of my growth.
<hugs>

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